Hope

As some of you know Ben and I have struggled with infertility for over 3 years. 
We hadn't intended trying to have kids so early in our marriage, in fact I remember telling someone at my bridal shower that we wouldn't even talk about kids until we had been married 5 years. The Lord had different intentions for my plan. Around Valentines day in 2011 we went to the Logan temple, after we came out of the temple Ben and I both gave the we need to talk look to one another, we began discussing the prompting we each felt individually in the temple to start a family, and to start immediatly. Unsure but faithful we began "not trying to not" (those of you have tried to have a baby know this stage)

 I was sure because of the strong feelings I had felt we would be pregnant and ready to announce by Mothers Day, we weren't, next I thought it'll happen by the fourth of July, nope, maybe halloween? Didn't happen. (I guess I need to explain the holiday reference, I have always wanted to announce pregnancy on a holiday, with a cute gift/diddy I thought that would make it fun and memoriable)
Holiday after holiday passed and still nothing. I began to think well our timing is off lets begin the "trying stage" so right after our 2nd anniversary we began "trying" timing, testing, tempaturing etc. 3 years later, 5 false alarms, one chemical preganncy and still no baby. 

For those of you who haven't experienced infertility, it is a mind game.After a few months of trying, and testing you really start to lose hope, you think something is wrong with you you aren't doing it right, maybe you aren't meant to have kids, maybe you aren't meant to have kids with your partner, maybe you made the wrong choice from "I do" and this is God's punishment, maybe you'll be a bad Mom, the negative thoughts and feelings only continue to get louder as time goes by. You begin reading every blog and story of people it happened for or who got negative results but were still pregnant anyway, you start believing that could be you. 

Then comes the sadness, the comparison, the JEALOUSY. I can't tell you how many nights I've cried, or how many times I left a party in tears because my friends all had babies and I don't so there must be something wrong with me. Or I'd say "why do they get a kid and I don't?" I had to turn off my facebook because It felt like every person I knew was pregnant, or just had a baby. One day just to torchure myself (I guess) I counted, I had 36 facebook friends who in the past year had either had a baby or announced they were pregnant (no kidding) I'm pretty sure if I recounted that number has gone up. There are days because of social media I feel like a black sheep in a field of white stallions. 

When my best friend came to tell me she was pregnant she cried with me because she knew how bad I wished it was me, she knew how much I wish I could have what she was having, she was so afraid to hurt me that she didn't enjoy telling her best friend the most exciting news in the world... thats's the crappy stuff infertility does. 

Just a little note if you are going through infertility remember feeling mad, crying, jealousy, questioning yourself are natural things, I literally thought I was a crazy person before I started reading blogs and researching the feelings associated with infertility. 

I compared infertility to the grieving process, ever month you lose the idea of a family, the chance to hold your child in your arms, and then you are expected to pick up and try again the next month, just to feel the same hopelessness over again. I read an article recently that said it's exhausting hanging on to hope, and thats true.

So after years of prayer, sorrow and hope Ben and I decided to try a new avenue of having children and open our home to children who need a safe place, with loving parents. Are we giving up on having children? No, after the pain I've felt with infertility I don't know that I will ever close that door, I still want to experience pregnancy, and giving birth, having a child that is part of me and the person I love but I don't want it to be my focus. I know that Ben and I have the ability to love any person with all our hearts and call them our own.

The journey of adoption through foster care is not easy, I've been told this many times, I know that children who have been through the things these children have been through don't come easy, hopefully my training and years as a counselor will help us help them cope. 

We are very excited and very nervous for this next stage, we would like to hear peoples stories on adoption and things that were successful for them and things that were not we may not use your suggestion, but we are open to hearing them. We also welcome all prayers, to give us strength through this hard road. 

Going back to that day in Logan, I still don't know why the Lord asked us to begin this journey years ago, but I am going to continue to have faith that God has a plan for me and Ben, and he will bless us if we listen to his promptings. We love God and are grateful for the trials we have had because through all those questions, and doubts Ben and I grew stronger, and continue to grow stronger as individulas and as a couple, I am so blessed to have Ben in my life to go through this with me as a team. I am also so grateful for my Savior Jesus Christ, he has calmed my mind and reminded me that those doubts aren't from him that God has a plan for me, and through the Atonement of Jesus Christ I can feel peace and more importantly I can feel hope.    

I've began praying for my future children, that they may feel God's love and that they may hang onto hope, just like Ben and I have had to hang onto hope these past few years. 

Romans 12:12; Rejoicing in hope; patient in tribulation; continuing instant in prayer